Understanding
by ebidebi
Summary: After returning from Tamaran, Starfire and Robin have a moment, but it is cut short by Robin's paranoia. Together, the two of them try to reach an understanding.
1. Understanding

Today had been…different. That was all Robin allowed himself to think, as he sat alone on the roof of the Tower. His team, the Titans, had almost lost one of its own today, and this near-loss had affected Robin more strongly than he ever thought it could. He wrapped his arms around his knees, gazing blankly at the city's night skyline.

He relived the moment in his head, once again. He had been doing it repetitively for the past few hours, and he couldn't get it out of his mind, even though it was over.

'I am getting married.' Starfire's announcement that she would be leaving struck everyone down, but even Robin could realize that he was the most upset about her decision. The thought of losing Starfire, the very idea…it had felt like he was losing a piece of himself. Needless to say, he hadn't taken things very well, and after the fact, he felt thoroughly embarrassed about the way he _hadn't_ handled it.

Sure, everything turned out to be a lie in the end, but he should have trusted Starfire's judgment. He also shouldn't have been jealous of her devotion to her home planet. Cyborg, Raven, and Beast Boy all trusted Star, and yet Robin, who was supposed to be her best friend, couldn't find it in himself to even try to understand how she felt. All he could think of was himself and how he would feel if Starfire left. He didn't even really know how he would feel, and he didn't know what to do with his emotions. They simply sat jumbled up in his head and he couldn't act on them, as much as he wanted to.

His emotions had been taking over his rational thoughts quite a bit lately, telling him to protect Starfire at any cost. Her announcement had put those feelings over the edge, and rational thought went to hell. Robin shook his head in self-disgust. How could he lose control like that? In his mind, Robin could see himself—"You're getting married?" He must have made her feel so terrible, acting like her loyalty to Tamaran was a bad thing.

"Robin?"

Robin was startled out of his brooding by the sound of Starfire's voice. He turned to see her, concerned and standing at the roof's entrance, blushing so slightly that it took Robin's keen eye to notice it. Starfire clasped her hands together excitedly.

"At last, I have found you! You have missed a rousing game of _Zombies 6: The Bloodhunt_. Would you like to join us for another round of exhilarating action?" she asked, smiling a generous, caring smile, as if nothing had happened today.

"That's okay, Star. I'll pass," he replied, returning her beaming smile as best as he could with a tired one. "It's been a long day." Robin regretted saying this as soon as it escaped his mouth and sighed in frustration. "Even longer for you," he added. Starfire paused in thought, but only for a moment.

"Yes, it has. But now that we are back home, we can relax, yes?" She approached Robin, and he laughed bitterly at her comment. Her smile faded but did not disappear. "I guess you do not relax."

"Not really," he replied, reverting back to his silence. Starfire knew his habits very well. He looked away from her and back to the sky. He could hear her coming closer and didn't need to look up to know that she had sat down next to him.

For a while, the two sat in an easy silence that was fairly common between them. Sometimes, for Robin, Starfire's presence was all he needed to put his thoughts back in perspective. This was not one of those occasions, as Starfire was the subject of his thoughts. Her presence only reminded him that he had been a self-centered jerk. He was tense, and, picking up on his mood, Starfire tensed as well. She inhaled pointedly.

"I wish to know what you are thinking, Robin," she admitted, glancing shyly at him. She dangled her feet over the edge of the Tower. Robin turned to her, angry with himself.

"I was so selfish today." Robin let out a sigh.

"When, today, were you selfish, Robin? I do not recall…"

"On Tamaran…before we even went to Tamaran. When you said you were leaving, all I could think about was what it would do to…the team, my team. It didn't even occur to me that you cared about your planet, and I overreacted…as usual." Robin sighed.

"But what you did was not selfish!" Starfire made a fist to emphasize her statement. "It was I who made the mistake. You could see that something was not right, and I could not. If you had not warned me," she began, looking at the sky in front of her. "I would not be here now," she finished softly. This didn't ease Robin's guilt-ridden conscience.

"But I acted like..." he began.

"You acted as any would any concerned friend," Starfire replied, placing her hand on his arm and smiling at him. Robin shook his head vigorously.

"No. Raven, Cyborg, Beast Boy, they acted like concerned friends. They understood that Tamaran was more important to you than Earth. I flew off the wall."

Starfire tilted her head in confusion. "But Robin, you cannot fly—"

"It's an expression. What I meant was that I couldn't handle it. And I'm sorry. The way I acted was ridiculous. I underestimated you, Star," he sighed.

"Oh." Starfire looked out into the dull stars of the city night. After some time, she took in a deep breath. "Robin…" she began, facing him once again. "I was so blinded by my love for Tamaran that I could not see what was right in front of me." At that moment, Robin was right in front of her. He tensed immediately and pondered the implications and possible meanings of her statement. Could she be referring to him? But then, Starfire continued, and Robin relaxed. "That it was just Blackfire's trick. You showed me."

"I wish it were that noble. Everyone else trusted you until they overheard Blackfire. I thought…I thought you'd stay on Tamaran." Robin's cautious words danced around the underlying message – that he didn't want her to leave.

"For a while, I did want to stay," Starfire replied. Robin sucked in a sharp breath. "I missed my people and my food. But once I took the crown, I saw you--and my friends." The last part was added a bit too hastily. Starfire blushed and continued. "And I thought of mustard!" she added with a grin that Robin returned. After their shared smile, Starfire became serious again. "And I realized that Tamaran was no longer my home."

"You like mustard that much?" Robin asked. Starfire nodded.

"There are many things about Earth that I still do not understand. But my friends make it a wonderful place to live." She sighed. "And it is not just mustard that makes Earth my home." But she didn't really have to say that, because Robin knew. After a slightly more comfortable silence, he spoke.

"You deserve to be a queen," he said. He believed it, too. He had practically guilt-tripped Starfire into coming back to Earth with his pouting.

It was several minutes before Starfire could respond to Robin's statement.

"I wish that I could serve my people as queen, but there is something that…" Apparently, that wasn't quite what she wanted to say, so she began again. "I could never fully devote myself to Tamaran." Starfire crossed her arms and hugged herself, leaving Robin wondering what she meant.

"Why is that?" he asked, his voice quiet.

"I truly want to tell you, but I am afraid," she replied, pulling her previously dangled legs to her chest.

Robin blinked under his mask. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but perhaps the events of the day had made her realize the same feelings that he was struggling to suppress. His emotions had taken over, and he did not interrupt, wanting desperately for her to continue.

"I think that there is something that is more important to me than Tamaran. And I have been thinking, for some time, that there may be a chance that…this thing values me, too." Starfire sounded so hesitant, and Robin felt afraid to breathe, that if he might, everything would break. She kept leaning closer and he felt his heart beating faster and louder, so much so that he thought she would certainly hear it. "Robin, please tell me…am I correct in my thinking?"

Starfire struggled valiantly to make eye contact with him, and for once, Robin picked up on the meaning very clearly.

This was good, but oh so bad. The greater portion of Robin wanted to confirm Starfire's notion with some overwhelmingly romantic gesture, but a small part of him, the part that kept him from tipping over the edge into insanity most of the time, told him that this was wrong.

Well, not all wrong. Being with Starfire was right. It was the timing that was wrong, it was the place that was wrong, it was all just too risky, but the way she gazed at him was altogether definitely and wholly right. And it drew him over his carefully constructed boundaries, telling him ridiculous things.

Maybe just once, it would be all right to let go. There was a first time for everything, and after all that had happened on Tamaran, Robin had wanted nothing more than to take Starfire in his arms and hold and kiss her, and…we'll, he hadn't gotten past that part just yet. In a situation like this, maybe the rules could be bent, just a bit.

Maybe he could show her that there was a good side to his volatile personality.

"Yes."

One tiny little three-letter word. That was all it took to put the sweetest smile on Starfire's face. One word was all it took to free Robin from the gigantic burden he always carried, if just for a moment. It was enough to cross the line completely, with no turning back.

Without a word or a coherent thought, Starfire seized the initiative. She leaned forward to press her lips delicately against Robin's, unsure of the outcome. Neither had really expected it, they were both inexperienced, but it seemed to be a natural result. It was a welcome gift of a first kiss, and it didn't take long before they both got the hang of it. Robin's mind was completely cleared of his angst, and after the initial shock, he surrendered to his impulses and participated with fervor. They had waited entirely too long, he decided, and he pulled her closer, inhaling her scent and savoring her taste, the kiss quickly losing its chastity.

Before long, Robin lay on top of Starfire, propping himself up with one elbow, his other hand running up and down her side from her waist to her hip, unable to settle on a spot for long, wanting to be everywhere at once. Her back was flat against the roof of the Tower and her hands were running haphazardly along his back and lower, both of them enjoying what effects the kiss (which had, unbeknownst to them, transformed into making out) was having on them. All reason was momentarily lost on Robin as he and Starfire just enjoyed their newfound favorite pastime. It was a rush to his head and he couldn't tell if he was feeling his heartbeat or hers or if it was his own moans he heard or hers as they struggled clumsily to get their bodies closer together, to touch each other more, to kiss deeper.

It was inevitable that they would have to come up for air at some point, and reluctantly, Robin pulled himself away (but not too far away) and gasped for air. Starfire opened her eyes, panting as well, and it was the most beautiful thing that Robin had ever witnessed. He had seen her exhausted and out of breath plenty of times before: after battles, after training, but this was—Robin's train of thought was lost as soon as he hit the word 'battle.' The rational part of his mind, curse it, was up and running once more, and he rolled off of Starfire and sat up, attempting to catch his breath.

The battle in Robin's mind continued, as he had a much better view of her from this position. She was practically glowing, and Robin had to beat down his own feelings of euphoria before he could get his thoughts in order.

"Star…" he choked out between gasps. "I've wanted to do this for ages. But we just can't."

"Robin?" Starfire slowly pulled herself up and looked at him, hurt and confused. This was getting harder and harder for Robin to say, especially when her lips were pink and swollen from making out with him, and her orange-tinted skin was flushed from the excitement and red from his touch. He was the one who had made her so beautiful. He had done that to her. She had done some things for him, as well, and all in all, it was very distracting, and her beauty threatened to push him back over the edge, back to the Robin he couldn't control. He felt his own skin and mouth still burning, longing for more, and he was fighting increasingly strong urges to pick up right where they had left off on the floor and continue for the rest of the night.

But it just wasn't possible. Not now. And the disappointment on Starfire's face was easy to read – she wanted him just as much. Robin had to make her understand.

"I would do anything for you. It scares me to think of what I would be capable of if you were hurt…or worse. If any of our enemies knew that, then they could control me, and that would put the whole team in danger! If anything happened to you on my account…I could never forgive myself." Robin's heart was slowly returning to its normal pace, but he still couldn't take his eyes off of Starfire. The look on her face filled his heart with guilt.

"Robin, I worry about you as well…but we are both strong! In the Earth novels of love that I have read, it is always love that increases the strength of the protagonists! We could try—" she began, her eyes full of hope.

"No!" he cut her off, more harshly than he had intended. "This is real, Starfire, not a book!" he protested. "It's too dangerous!" His former passion was quickly being replaced with frustration at himself for letting it get this far. He had always planned on rejecting Starfire if anything ever happened between them; it was a matter of protecting her. But looking at her, still flushed and alight with affection and knowing that he felt the same, there was no way he could lie to her and pretend that he only thought of her as a friend. He doubted that she would even believe him if he tried, as just minutes ago, he had been on top of her, kissing her with all of his being. That kind of spoke for itself. The memory brought a blush to his cheeks, and it made him wonder, for just a moment, if this was really how it had to be.

But it was. He wanted to protect Starfire, not guarantee her demise. He had suppressed his emotions once more.

"Star, right now, we have a responsibility to this city. We have a duty as Titans." He tried again to make her understand. "I don't like it, but the safety of the city should be our first priority." It was the patented Batman approach, and even Robin wasn't entirely sure if he believed it.

"I am aware of priorities, Robin. I have selected mine," Starfire replied hotly, folding her arms and fighting tears with anger. Robin narrowed his eyes under his mask.

"Yes, you came back to Earth, Star, but I know you well enough to realize that you didn't just come back for me!" he shot back. "We just can't do this! Not now. Slade—he could still be out there! And you know how many enemies we have. If they knew that they could use me to get to you or you to get to me…do you know how easy it would be for them to exploit that? It's a weakness!" Robin insisted, getting to his feet.

"A weakness?" Starfire breathed. "Well, Robin, if that is how you feel…" she continued slowly, rising to her feet in a defeated manner. She was no longer mad, but seeing her on the verge of tears was much worse.

"Star…" he began. "It's not like that."

"What is it like for you, Robin?" she asked quietly. "Because I do not understand…" Robin swallowed and approached her.

"I want this as badly as you do, Starfire, you have to believe me. But this just isn't going to work right now." He was stabbing for words, reassuring himself as much as her.

"I have heard you, but it does not change what I feel." Starfire was looking at her boots, afraid to let Robin see her tears.

"Nothing could change the way I feel," he admitted softly, so close to her that he could reach out and touch her. "This, this is how it has to be. Do you understand?"

"No, Robin…I do not…but if this is how you feel it must be, I will trust you," she conceded, her voice sounding choked, as if she had a lump in her throat. She still refused to look at him. Just the sound of her voice was enough, and he may as well have ripped out her heart and crushed it with his bare hands.

"Star…" he whispered, lifting her chin gently. Tears sparkled in her eyes, and Robin could barely take it. He much preferred the memory of Starfire flushed and beneath him, but he didn't have a choice. "I promise that someday…we can…" He wasn't really sure what he could promise, but even that seemed to be good enough for Starfire. She drew him close in a hesitant embrace. As she pressed her face against his shoulder, he felt her tears soaking into his top. Robin never thought he could actually feel his heart breaking, but he didn't really know what else to call the sudden sensation within his chest.

Reluctantly, Starfire released him and wiped her eyes hastily. She put on the best smile she could manage and straightened her posture.

"I…will see you downstairs, Robin?" she asked with a sniffle.

"Yeah," Robin replied. Starfire turned and departed from the roof, leaving Robin alone to wonder if he had made the right decision. He had chosen awkward moments and restrained friendship over well, making out on the roof. But either way, it was still love.

It took a few minutes to register with Robin, but he had accidentally discovered what had been bothering him. He had been hiding the fact that he was in love with Starfire. But he was. And he'd have to keep on hiding it, for her safety, and for the sake of the team.

Still, kissing Starfire had been amazing. At least he had that to keep him going.

Robin headed downstairs as well, closing the door to the roof entrance behind him. It wasn't going to be easy to go on as if nothing happened after something had happened, but it was the only way. And someday, they could try again. That was the only way it would work.

A video game sounded wonderful at the moment, so Robin headed to the TV room, fully ready to blow some Zombie brains out. He needed to relax and kick out some frustration.

As he entered, he noticed that Starfire had entered from the other side. This was it. It was the first test. Their eyes met from across the room. She looked less upset – she must have gone to wash her face.

"Where've you guys been?" Beast Boy demanded. He and Cyborg had just finished a battle, and from his tone of voice, it was obvious Beast Boy wasn't too happy. "I totally needed some moral sup—" Beast Boy cut himself off when he noticed that neither Robin nor Starfire was paying attention to him. Raven looked up from her book, and Cyborg ceased his victory dance.

"Did, uh, something happen between you guys? What's going on?" Cyborg wondered aloud.

Starfire smiled sadly at Robin, but instead of breaking his heart again, it reminded him that he had something…someone to protect. And openly or not, he would go to any length to live up to his promise. He offered her an encouraging half-smile, and she brightened back to her usually cheery self. When she had regained enough confidence to speak, she responded to Cyborg's question.

"Nothing is going up," she replied. "We have come to an understanding." And even if she didn't understand, she agreed.

"Which would be…?" Beast Boy prompted.

"That we both needed some exhilarating zombie-shooting action!" Robin replied, rubbing his hands together. He bounded over the couch and landed next to Cyborg, making it clear that discussion was over.

"Yes! I wish to tag the team!" Starfire added, seating herself in between Beast Boy and Raven.

Raven, of course, was not lost to the silent discourse that had transpired between Robin and Starfire, but she did not press for information and returned to reading her novel, simply content with being around her friends. Beast Boy and Cyborg got so caught up in the game that they forgot all about Starfire and Robin's suspiciously prolonged absence from gaming.

But Starfire and Robin remembered only too well. They had their work cut out for them. The pretending had only just begun.


	2. Reverie

Jump City was utterly devastated. Buildings lay in ruin, pieces of glass and concrete strewn about the ground in the aftermath of an explosion. Death was everywhere, found in the scorched remains of trees, plants, and cadavers, all of it drenched in innocent blood.

Where once stood schools, hospitals, and banks, there was nothing…where there were once shoppers, musicians, and families, there were only ashes. Everything was unified under a blanket of virgin, lily-white blood. The Teen Titans hadn't even seen it coming.

Raven had tried to stop it, but her powers could not even hope to contain the force of the apocalyptic blast, and as she screamed in her life's emotional apex, she was plagued by thoughts of all the things she never had the courage to say and do, things she would never accomplish now. She had been struck down by a reflection of her own dark forces and annihilated by the blast, her own blood mingling with that of the people she had tried to save.

Cyborg had been caught completely oblivious. He had been recharging his battery and had no idea that anything was wrong…he never found out. He passed away instantly upon impact, never even knowing anything had happened. The hybrid machine died the death of a man.

Something animalistic inside Beast Boy tipped him off, but he was powerless to stop the impending carnage. In the heat of the moment, when he was the only one who could have done something, he couldn't even think of an animal useful in the salvation of Jump City. The changeling, as he was destroyed, was overcome with feelings of utter incompetence.

Slade had not been behind the terror. It was not the doing of Brother Blood either. The two had perished in the explosion, along with Mad Mod, Kitten, Control Freak, Killer Moth, and all of the enemies the Titans had fought, tainting the innocent blood with sinful flesh.

The responsible party had no guilt and no remorse. On the contrary, he had finally achieved the goal for which he had long been striving. He could finally be at peace. He had everything he wanted.

Amid the wreckage, two people remained unaffected. Two bodies, very much alive, were unconcerned with the death of Jump City. The pair was only interested in each other. The lovers, naked, were exploring each other with wonder and amazement, as if neither had never seen another human being before.

Surrounded by a bloodbath, Robin and Starfire remained pristine. They only saw each other, and as they locked eyes, their only concern was completing their coupling in the most intimate way.

With a shout, Robin's eyes snapped open. He was alone and clothed in his bed. Panting, he looked around him. It was just his room, not post-apocalyptic wreckage. Nothing was out of order. It had only been a dream.

Robin didn't even remember falling asleep; he had been up late blaming himself for being selfish. He couldn't give himself to Starfire without giving up the city, and his disturbing dream just confirmed it. Was that really how he felt? That he would only be able to love Starfire if there was nothing else? Could he love her only if there were no villains to fight, no Titans to fight with, and no innocents to protect?

Robin felt a second rush of uneasiness as he remembered the end of his dream…he hadn't even thought about it in a sexual way until now, it was just metaphorical. Suddenly, the whole dream seemed to focus on the very end. They had been in the same position in which they had kissed last night…only naked, and with a different intent. Would he really destroy it all just to have her? Was that the only way?

It was just a dream.

But Robin had done crazy things in the name of a good cause before.

All his life, he had been alone. Solitude became him, and he had long since grown accustomed to it. Starfire was truly his best friend, and he had shared more with her than he ever thought he would share with anyone.

He knew the dream was only symbolic, but it had felt so real. It scared him that he understood Dream Robin's satisfaction in destroying everything to have the thing that mattered most. He had put the team at risk because of Starfire before. When he had been Slade's apprentice, protecting Star had definitely been a higher priority than protecting the city or even his friends. Could he take it even further?

Dream Robin wasn't real, was he? The real Robin valued more than just Starfire. Didn't he?

Robin abruptly got out of bed and changed clothes. He had to go break something.

* * *

It had probably been a bad idea for Starfire to come and seek Robin while he was training, especially on the day after they reached their "understanding," but she had wanted to see him. Not just that, she wanted to speak to him in private. The only way to accomplish this goal was to wake up at five thirty in the morning, as he often did, and visit him in the gym. Even Raven, the second earliest riser of the team, wouldn't be up for at least another hour, and Beast Boy and Cyborg would most likely sleep until ten o'clock if nothing disturbed them. 

Starfire had no problem waking up early, and she was certain that after last night, Robin would be eager to "break stuff," as he so often put it. So, she gave him fifteen minutes to break whatever it was that he felt he needed to destroy, and then, she nervously approached the door to the gym. She raised her hand to knock, but then she heard sounds from inside.

"Hyyyyah!" **CRACK! **Starfire assumed that Robin had just broken something. His shouts were angry and focused, almost as if in the heat of battle. Having never heard him training alone before, Starfire didn't know if it was normal or not. She heard fast movements from inside and pressed her ear to the door to better hear what was happening. Robin's loud grunt, "Grrraaah!" was followed by another smash, and then the distinct sound of punches and kicks against a bag, each punctuated with a yell. Most of them were unintelligible, but Starfire could have sworn some of his cries sounded distinctly like the words "it's not fair."

It wasn't. Starfire lost nearly all of her resolve. She turned her back to the door and slid against it, crumpling to the floor. She had not been meant to hear him, she knew. She was not supposed to know that Robin _felt_. Starfire was overcome with guilt. She had been thinking that denying what was obviously there was still more painful for her, even though she knew it was difficult for Robin, too. It was entirely different to actually hear the words from his mouth. Clearly, it hurt him more than he had indicated. She was touched and afraid at the same time. With Robin feeling so hopeless, it seemed there was no hope at all.

Robin, inside the gym, kept pummeling the punching bag, his yells getting louder and more frenzied by the moment. With one final cry, Starfire heard him fall to the floor in exhaustion, followed by heavy breathing. The sound reminded her of the previous night, just after their first foray into the world of lovers, and while it ignited a heat within her, it also brought back the sting of rejection.

She knew that Robin hadn't really rejected her – he had told her that they couldn't be together even though he wanted to, but it had hurt just the same. Basing her thoughts of Earth customs on Robin's behavior, as she often did, she assumed that it was not uncommon to hide one's feelings. She saw it on TV all the time; she even read it in the books she borrowed from Raven.

But, for what was probably the first time ever, Starfire thought that Robin was wrong. They didn't have to pretend. For those few moments where she had acted like nothing was wrong, it had killed her. She had barely slept last night. If Robin was worrying about crossing a line, it was too late. They had long since crossed it. She was beginning to suspect that the term "best friend" was no longer appropriate for their situation.

Starfire wore her emotions as obviously as she wore her clothing. She had not told anyone, but it was often thoughts of Robin that brought out the unbridled joy necessary for flight. It was no easy feat for her to pretend that she was only a friend to Robin, but if she had to fight her feelings, she would be strong for him.

Even so, something inside told her to give it one more chance.

It was with this thought in mind that she stood up and bravely knocked three times on the door. She barely heard Robin get up and walk to the door, so she was a little surprised at how quickly she felt the doorknob turn. She was still holding her side of it.

"Star," Robin said, his breathing still quicker than usual. His tone was unreadable, but she sensed that he hadn't known she had been listening.

"May I come in?" Starfire asked, not meeting his eyes. He didn't say anything, but he stepped aside, allowing her space to enter. She stepped into the gym and surveyed the damage. There were broken two by fours littered around the room, and several battle robots lay in ruin. "I see you have done much training this morning," she stated.

"I felt the need to break things," Robin replied. Starfire forced herself to smile as she looked around the room, her eyes finally resting on Robin's boots. "Did you want to talk about something?" he asked, sounding a little hesitant.

"I…yes," she replied, looking up to meet his eyes. Even though he always wore his mask, she always could tell when they held eye contact. Usually, it was comforting, but at that moment, it was a little unnerving.

Robin sat down on the bench that he used for lifting, and he patted the space next to him, inviting Starfire to sit down. She complied and sat, but she still remained silent. She knew something that she was not supposed to know, and it upset her. In some ways, it was a good thing. She knew that Robin wanted to give in, but he wouldn't let himself. But at the same time, she felt guilty for having listened in.

"Maybe I should not have bothered you," Starfire said quietly, twitching her fingers nervously.

"You're not bothering me, Star," Robin replied. "Something on your mind?"

What a silly question. He knew what was on her mind, and it was probably on his mind still, too.

"Yes, Robin. I wish to discuss last night." Her voice was slow, and she continued to look at her hands. Robin sighed and stood up.

"Star…you know how I feel," he said firmly. Star looked up at him.

"Yes, I do. Truly, it is not fair." She looked into his eyes purposefully as she spoke. His eyes widened briefly, signaling that he had caught on.

"You heard?" he asked, his voice a little shaky. She nodded in response.

"I'm sorry, my intent was not to egg-drop," she admitted quietly.

Robin didn't even bother correcting her; he just turned to face the wall. She sat, he stood, both silent, for some time. Starfire was nervous, Robin was confused.

"This doesn't change anything, Star!" He spun around sharply.

"But Robin, neither you nor I are happy with the way things are," Starfire protested.

"Tough. Maybe things are different on Tamaran, but on Earth, life isn't fair! It's just something we accept," he explained heatedly.

"I refuse to accept it." Starfire shot out of her seat and shoved her pointed index figure in his face. "You are wrong, Robin!"

Robin's eyes bulged and he took a few steps back. He was a little shocked at her forwardness. Maybe he was just used to being her infallible Boy Wonder, the one person whom she trusted above all others.

He shook it off and regained his stance.

"Really, Star, if you'd like to propose a solution that doesn't endanger the team or the lives of the people of Jump City, I would love to hear it. Because I've been thinking all night and I've got nothing," he spat coldly. She dropped her finger and her arms hung at her sides. It was obvious to Starfire how troubled he was, because Robin only hid underneath his icy exterior when he was passionately involved. She would have been upset if she didn't know how helpless he felt. He just couldn't allow himself to give in.

"Robin, do you have feelings about me?" Starfire asked softly. "If you truly think that you do not, then I will leave."

"Of course I do, Star," Robin sighed. He ran a hand through his spiky hair. He took another deep breath. "It's just not that easy. Sometimes, you have to give up the thing you want the most…to do what you have to do."

"I know that is what you say, but I do not believe you. I have thought through the whole night as well. I still do not understand…I tried, Robin, truly I did. I have come to the conclusion that I do not agree with you." Starfire had worked up a great deal of courage to say those words, hoping against her better judgment that she could change Robin's mind. He shook his head.

"It doesn't matter. It's wrong, Star. It's not right for…people in our position to be selfish, to put the life of just one person before everyone else! I can't do that." But Robin knew he already had. Many times.

"But Robin, I know we would never neglect our duties," Starfire protested gently.

"Star…if we were together, I don't know if I could put anything before you." It was no exaggeration. Starfire was already so much more than a teammate or friend, and he considered it luck that their relationship had only put them in jeopardy as few times as it had. "As much as I care about you now, if I give into that, I'd care about you even more. I can tell, Star, What if I—one of us was forced to make a choice? What if I had to choose between your life and the lives of innocent people?" he looked helplessly at his gloved hands as if they were incapable of doing anything useful.

Starfire stood so that she faced him and reached for his hands, and he did not pull away when she held them. "I have faith that, in the face of adversity, you would make the right choice. You always have."

Robin snorted. "Maybe you trust me, but I don't," he muttered, unconsciously repositioning their hands so his were on the outside. This simple gesture confirmed what Starfire already knew – he just wanted to protect her.

"I must tell you, Robin, I feared that even if you did return my feelings, you would pretend that you did not." She chuckled. "You would do this…to protect me, maybe?" Robin blushed. He had, of course, considered it, but he couldn't lie to her. "I am sorry for doubting you. I…I can wait for you, but I just thought that—" She stopped when Robin let go of her hand and put a finger to her lips.

"Star, please." It was if speaking hurt him. "We've already had this conversation." His eyes once again found hers, and his hand fell from her face. Starfire inhaled deeply and smiled, never breaking the eye contact.

"I do not wish to force you, but," she leaned in dangerously close to his face. "If this is not what you want, please stop me," she whispered, so close that he could feel her lips and breath against his ear. As Starfire placed her hand on his cheek, Robin was barely breathing, afraid he would break what they were making. He closed his eyes just after she did, reaching his hand up to caress her cheek. Starfire pressed her lips just ahead of Robin's ear, then his cheek, then again, drawing closer and closer to her ultimate goal, weakening Robin's resolve.

She paused just before his lips. Suddenly, she froze. This time was so very different from last night, and for some reason, things were much easier when she was pinned, held fast against the roof underneath Robin. Then, it had been desperate and intense and she hadn't had to think. In the silence, she could only think. Last night, vulnerability and inexperience had been so exciting, but today it made her feel so flustered. What if Robin stopped her? What if he didn't feel it as strongly as she did? What if she wasn't worth the risk to him?

Her mental fears were stifled when Robin was the one who closed the short distance, completing the kiss. All of a sudden, it was difficult to keep her feet on the ground. She felt Robin's hand slide from her cheek to her waist, and she responded by placing one hand on his chest, the other against his back. Starfire forgot where she was, lost in her love of the feeling and her love for him. He kissed just like he fought, with blinding intensity, passion, and devotion. As Robin pulled her closer, increasing the pressure and pace of the kiss, it was beginning to mimic the frenzy of the previous night.

And as soon as it ventured down that road, it stopped. Robin pulled away, his skin hot and red. Starfire opened her eyes, and she saw that Robin looked as if he had seen a ghost. Perhaps it was the imperfection of her English vocabulary, but even with the shocked expression on his face, the only word she could find to describe him was 'beautiful.' The only time she had seen him look even more wonderful was last night, with his hair tousled in a marvelous way, his skin so alive, and his expression so longing. He had been longing for her, and it was an indescribably joyous feeling to know that she had made him that way, though the feeling was short-lived. Starfire was beginning to worry that today would also end with longing.

"We _can't_," he stated, pain evident in his eyes. Starfire mirrored his hurt expression and reached out for him. He pulled away again. "I can't give it all up, Star!" He turned and headed for the door. She still didn't understand him, but she had one more thing to tell him, one last shot.

"There is something to be said, Robin, for love giving you something to fight for," Starfire whispered. Robin paused just as he reached for the doorknob.

"I'll think about it. I just need to think," he murmured, shaking his head frantically. He had conceded to think about it. She considered it progress. He took his leave, and Starfire could do nothing but stare at the space he had just occupied, wondering what was next.


	3. Nowhere to Go

If any villain wanted to take Robin down, now would be an excellent time. As he stood in the shower, Robin realized that he was at his breaking point. He could take all the physical exertion of the fiercest battle with Slade but he simply couldn't handle emotional turmoil.

As the hot water ran down his body, he felt that he wouldn't make it through. Robin had nearly died a few times in his life, but nothing compared to this. He hadn't slept but a few short minutes last night, and after his dream, he wished he had stayed awake all night. He felt sick to his with guilt for making Starfire so upset, but the threat of letting go of everything made him want to vomit.

It wasn't fair that he couldn't have what he wanted and that he had to hurt Starfire. It wasn't fair of Starfire to be as manipulative as she had been this morning. It wasn't fair to the city for Robin to be in love.

Robin had an all or nothing sort of personality. Although he had been seeing more grays lately, he still largely saw things in black and white. If he was going to be a hero, he had to give it his all. He owed it to the people of the city. How could he forsake millions of people for one?

And if he thought he loved her now, Robin could only imagine how much more he'd love her if they spent more time as more than friends. Even after only a few romantic moments, he knew his feelings had intensified.

Robin cursed aloud. How could he have let this happen? He had lost control and things had gone too far. He may have even lost his best friend in the process. It had only been a day, but he had no idea how he was going to look Starfire in the eye now. After rejecting her a second time, he wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to see him again. It would be easier that way.

The easy way? Robin closed his eyes and shut off the faucet. It was so unlike him to take the easy way. He knew he would have to face Starfire again, because it was right. But that was all he knew. From there on, he had no clue how to handle anything.

Robin stood there dripping, lacking the will to even move. Frankly, he thought it sucked. Maybe he could have handled things if she hadn't come to him this morning, looking so sweet and tempting and entirely his, or maybe if he hadn't dreamt of the apocalypse, she would have never found him at all and they could carry on their understanding.

It would have been tough, but maybe it wouldn't have made him physically ill.

When Robin closed his eyes, all he could see was Starfire lying under him, beautiful and giving. All she wanted to do was give. She was ready to give up everything for her planet, and only moments later she had been ready to give up her planet for Robin and everything else that came with earth. Maybe Robin just didn't have as much capacity for love. After all, it wasn't even until recently that he realized what he felt for her was love. They had always been close, but Robin had been able to push those feelings aside and label them as friendship.

But he could no longer just ignore their bond. He could still taste her, and it drove him nearly insane. And yet, he could see her face every time he told her "no," and it made him nauseous. He hadn't gotten enough sleep and all he wanted to do was to love her and yet he just wanted her to leave him alone so he could be a hero and he couldn't get enough of her and he wanted to be her hero and he was sure he would give up everything and right now he just wanted sleep and before he knew it he had thrown up on the floor of the shower.

"Shit."

Even so, as he bent down to clean up the mess, he felt strangely better.

* * *

Robin hadn't thought about much else while he cleaned. He brushed his teeth, dried off, and got dressed without thinking. It was almost as if all the thoughts possessing his mind had been expelled along with last night's steak. In fact, he was finally starting to get hungry. Robin walked downstairs to the kitchen. 

He heard voices as he got closer and sighed. He'd have to face everyone sooner or later. He scanned the room as casually as he could and breathed a small sigh of relief, noting Starfire was nowhere to be found. Robin entered the kitchen and headed for the fridge, attempting to ignore Beast Boy and Cyborg, who were in a heated staring war. Apparently, Beast Boy still hadn't gotten over the fact that Cyborg had beat him at the zombie game last night.

They hardly noticed him, but Raven, who was sitting at the table sipping tea, did. She stared at him, and it was making Robin extremely uncomfortable. He pretended he didn't notice, devoting his attention to rummaging around for something to eat. Finding a box of waffles in the freezer, he took one out and headed for the toaster. He still hadn't said a word, but as he was a fairly quiet guy, he hoped no one would notice.

"You all right?" Raven ventured slowly. Robin stiffened. His plan had failed.

"Fine," he replied, trying to sound normal. He removed a plate and the syrup from two different cupboards and set them down at the table.

"Right," Raven replied, suspicion evident in her voice. She may have had an unfair advantage over the rest of the team, but Raven knew Robin just about as well as Starfire did. "Whatever," she muttered, finishing her tea.

Robin ignored her, pretending to be absorbed in hunting for a clean fork. Several moments passed. Beast Boy and Cyborg were silent as the battle raged on.

"So, you seen Starfire?" Raven asked casually.

"What?" Robin shot back a little too quickly. "Nothing's wrong!" he blurted. Raven eyed him strangely and Robin whiled around to conceal his blush.

"Right," Raven said again. There was another awkward silence.

When the toaster popped Robin's waffles from its clutches, he jumped nearly a foot in the air.

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" Raven asked, cocking one eyebrow.

"I said I'm fine," Robin replied stubbornly. He removed his waffles and brought them to his plate. As he drenched them in syrup, Raven continued to eye him. He really, really wanted her to stop. But he said nothing. He didn't want to give away that something was bothering him.

For the next few minutes, the only sounds came from Robin's fork clinking against the plate as he ate his breakfast.

"HA!" Beast Boy shouted, startling Robin once again. "I win! You totally blinked! You just got OWNED, man!"

"What? That wasn't a blink, that was a twitch!" Cyborg insisted. He turned to the table. "You guys saw that, right? Tell him it was a twitch!" He looked to Raven and Robin for help, but something wasn't right. Beast Boy noticed, too.

"Hey, Robin, are you doing all right? You don't look so good," Beast Boy said. Cyborg eyed Robin as well.

"I'm fine! I just didn't sleep well, okay?" Robin retorted.

"Whatever you say, Rob. Hey, where's Star?" Cyborg wondered aloud.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Robin shouted, slamming his fists down on the table and standing up in one fluid motion. "What am I, her freaking keeper or something?" He had lost his appetite.

No one said anything.

Finally, Cyborg broke the silence. "Hey, why don't you take a nap? It's looking like a pretty slow day," he suggested, gesturing toward the monitors.

Robin was working on calming himself down. All of his emotions were returning and seemed to have spit out at all angles.

"I don't need a nap," he seethed. "I just want—" But Robin never finished his statement.

Starfire had entered the kitchen, looking tired and miserable. There were bags under her subdued and reddened eyes that he could have sworn hadn't been there this morning. Robin felt his heart ache again. If that was what he looked like, no wonder his friends had been concerned.

And if they both looked like that, their friends were bound to draw some correlations.

"Good morning, friends," she greeted in feigned cheer. "I trust you have all slept well?"

No one said anything.

* * *

"All right, what's going on?" Cyborg demanded. "You two look like hell." 

"It is nothing," Starfire replied. "Today is perhaps not my day." But that was an understatement. Starfire felt like her life was over. Of course, there was more to her life than Robin. But when the pain was so fresh, it seemed like nothing else mattered.

She saw Robin at the table, fists clenched. He looked as terrible as she felt, and all she wanted to do was hold him and tell him it was stupid to deny a feeling so strong. But the angry look on his face said that he had not thought things over as he said he would. Or, if he did, he had come to a conclusion that Starfire didn't want to live with.

She felt as if from last night until now had been an eternity. She was so tired, but sleep had refused to come to her.

Robin stared. He stared right at her, into her, through her, and she knew what he was feeling. She always knew, even if she didn't understand. All she could do was stare back. She knew they were staring into each other's eyes, even if she couldn't see his. But Starfire was to worn down to plead with him, and she certainly didn't want to trouble their friends.

"Beast Boy, Cyborg, I want to learn to play the Zombie game," Raven announced unexpectedly. Beast Boy did a double take.

"Are you serious?" he asked. "I thought you hated video—" Cyborg shoved his hand in front of Beast Boy's mouth.

"Teach me how to play," Raven went on in her stoic manner. "Now." Starfire felt that Raven's tone was neither sincere nor eager, but she also sensed that Raven wanted the boys (and herself) out of the room. Starfire wasn't sure how she felt about being alone with Robin yet again.

The three left, but not before Cyborg coughed something that sounded remotely like "talk to her" in Robin's direction.

And then it was just the two of them. Starfire opened her mouth to speak, but Robin beat her to it.

"No." His voice was flat and his message was clear. Starfire sighed and tried again.

"You are being ridiculous." She waited for a response but received nothing. "Did you consider what I said?"

"Yes, and it made me puke," Robin muttered. Starfire was taken aback. If he wanted to be angry, she could be angry. She had nothing left to lose, so why not let go of a little more dignity?

"Am I repulsive?" she asked, crossing her arms defensively. "Because you did not seem ill last night, or this morning."

"You want to know what's really not fair, Starfire?" he began. "You manipulated me! How can I refuse you when you throw yourself at me like you did? After I told you we can't! Why don't you trust me?" He sounded so angry and consumed. His expression was wild, riding the borderline.

"Look at yourself, Robin. Please, listen to what you are saying. You are so worried about what might happen that you are ignoring what is happening now!" she insisted. "How is this better than…?" She couldn't finish her question. She just couldn't summon any more anger.

Robin said nothing, and he wouldn't meet her gaze.

"You will always be my best friend, Robin, even if you will not let yourself love me. I know that you do." She sighed a long and exhausted sigh as Robin listened. "I know that you want to protect me. I do want your protection, Robin. But I am strong. I am also willing to take a chance. But if you are not willing to take that chance with me, it would be wrong of me to force you."

Robin didn't have an answer, so Starfire went on. "I would like to protect you as well. I do not want you to be in pain."

"I'm just…I don't know what will happen, and if anything happened to you because of me, I'd…." Robin sighed. "You've heard this before." His anger had faded.

"Robin, it is too late for you to worry about that. You have already hurt me very deeply," she whispered in response. From the look on Robin's face, she knew he knew. "The thing that hurts me the most is to see you like this. This is what you feared, was it not?"

She wondered if he realized that he had become so obsessed with denying himself that he was broken and lost...weak. Certainly, he thought what he was doing was right, but it was killing both of them.

Robin tucked his chair under the table and sighed. "Yeah," he admitted. "I don't know what to do." He sounded so defeated. Starfire wanted to comfort him, but she didn't want to get any closer, seeing as no good had come of it this morning.

There was always the possibility that time would heal her. But when the wound was so open and raw, she couldn't focus on anything but him. And that was much more dangerous than simply being in love. They had to settle this.

"I'm scared," Robin said, in a voice so soft that Starfire could scarcely hear him. "I had a dream. I destroyed everything, just to have you…I can't risk that! I can't let it happen!"

"That is ridiculous, Robin. You do not have to lose anything," she pointed out. From where they were now, all they had was something to gain.

"But Star…when we were on the roof, I didn't want to think of anything else." Robin looked at the ground in confused frustration.

"Well then maybe we should stop!" Starfire announced.

Robin looked up at her, confused. "Stop…what?" he asked.

"Maybe, Robin, we have moved too quickly?" she went on, hoping he would follow her words. She had felt it too, and the intensity with which their relationship had progressed was frightening. After a long, long friendship, they had moved to lovers to something Starfire didn't understand within a matter of hours, and they were both scared. "It was wrong," she admitted. "But that does not mean that we must cease our friendship."

"It was a bad time, wasn't it?" Robin said. Starfire agreed. The ease with which it had happened in the first place shocked Starfire, but perhaps it should not have. The thought of never seeing Robin again made her want to hold onto him as tightly as she could. Their emotions had beenon overdrivelast night, and they had charged into something that neither had been really ready for.

Instead of rushing ahead, perhaps they could try something a little less radical…if Robin was willing.

"Maybe, if we started over as friends…." Her voice trailed off.

"We can't go back in time, Starfire," Robin replied. They had indeed crossed a line, and it was possible that things would never be the same between them. But they could always be better. Especially when coming up from rock bottom.

"Of course," she replied softly, a little embarrassed. She cherished the memory of last night. But Robin was right; it had been the wrong time. "But perhaps, if we were to slow down?" she suggested, her voice reflecting how weary and unsureshe felt. Their eyes locked for a brief moment and she could see that he understood.

"It might not be so scary," he finished, his voice unsteady. Starfire was tempted to carry his thought even further.

"How much we need each other?" she guessed. Robin didn't answer, but he met her eyes. He didn't look so nauseous.

"Slow down?" he finally said. "I might be able to handle that…but I can't make any guarantees…I can't promise your safety." He still didn't sound very certain. But it was much, much better than blankly denyingthemselves the one thing they needed to put the rest of their lives in balance.

"Robin, you can never promise that. We can only try our best," Starfire replied.

They stood in silence.

"So…what does that make us now?" Robin ventured.

Starfire gave him the only answer she could. "I am not sure."

Despite the uncertainty, Starfire felt better than she had in days. She finally felt like herself again. Honestly, after all the talking they had done lately, all she wanted was to be alone for a while. She wanted to sleep. And she felt that she finally might be able to get the rest she needed.

"I'll see you later, then?" Robin managed a weak smile. She could sense that he felt the same way that she did. Maybe it was okay that they didn't have all the answers just yet.

"Good night, Robin," she replied, mirroring his smile. "Even though it is daytime." Robin let out a small laugh and headed for the door.

Just before he left, he turned around and opened his mouth to speak again, but he never got the chance. Both of them were startled by a loud shout. The shout was followed by a string of incredulously yelled expletives.

Robin and Starfire looked at each other in confusion and then left the kitchen to investigate, following the noise. This led them to the television room, where Beast Boy stared, mouth agape, at a smug Raven.

"You weren't supposed to BEAT me!" he cried. Raven just smirked, and on the other side of the room, Cyborg was doubled over in laughter.

"I just did what you told me to," Raven replied.

"Man, you got beat by a total newbie, BB!" Cyborg guffawed. Beast Boy was still fuming.

"I made you what you are! I created you!" he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Raven. "And I—" It was then that he noticed Robin and Starfire had entered. He stopped his rant and everyone turned to look at them.

Starfire let out a true giggle, guessing what had happened, and it seemed to calm everyone down.

"So, things back to normal?" Cyborg asked, once he had controlled his laughter. Robin didn't answer, but then again, Cyborg had asked a rather personal question, and Robin wasn't the type to share his personal life…although he had today. Starfire smiled secretly.

Beast Boy demanded a rematch from Raven, who accepted under the premise of "having nothing better to do than school Beast Boy." Cyborg insisted on playing the winner, and Starfire and Robin went to their respective rooms to catch up on sleep while they could.

Starfire was still smiling as she lay in her bed.

Even if they didn't have a solution, they had finally come to an understanding that they could live with.


End file.
